Memo to fundies: It's OK to be a whore ... just don't be a stupid whore
As frustrating and irritating as Fun-D'uh-Mental-ists can be, they can also be amusing. Take, for example, the fundie propensity for being completely oblivious to anyone's motivations but their own.
Progressives and liberals have recognized for years that the Republican Party's hopping in bed with religious zealots is not really a match made in heaven. Fundies are like the kind of plain girl so dazzled to be dating the captain of the football team that her legs go up in the air while visions of a big church wedding dance in her head. Her Republican suitor, on the other hand, is making plans to move on to his next conquest even as he says, "Yeah, ummmm ... sure I love you, baby. Now raise your hips a bit so I can get your panties off."
Usually a girl who falls for the blandishments of a suave but insincere cad is loathe to let it happen again. But with the fundies, one good line from the Republicans and the clothes start to drop faster than Bush's approval ratings.
The sadly amusing thing is the fundies keep falling for these lines again and again and again. You'd think they'd realize that with a Republican in the White House, a Republican-controled Congress and a Supreme Court that leaning further and further to the right that if the Republicans really wanted to make abortion illegal or take on an amendment banning same-sex marriage, it would have already been done. Granted, the Republicans have already worked on cutting taxes and helping out large corporations, but these were done to impress a couple of the Republicans' other girlfriends - Miss Wealthy and Miss Big Business. If these accomplishments can impress the fundies, too, then so much the better. It keeps the Republicans from really having to deliver on all those pillow-talk promises about gay marriage and abortion.
Of course if Miss Fundie ever gets restless and starts to wonder if there might be other suitors on whom she can lavish her affections, the Republicans can always trot out abortion and gay marriage.
That fundies fall for these lines again and again and again doesn't say a lot about their collective intelligence. But just in case there is any doubt what the Republicans think of them, the indications are pretty clear Republicans have been dissing them to the other guys in the political locker room lately. So, fundies, take heed and learn what being said when you're out of earshot.
Take, for example, the case of a Crestwood, Ky., accountant who asked her state representative to support gay rights legislation next year received a reply not from the lawmaker but from an aide, who mistakenly sent comments meant for the legislator to the constituent. The Associated Press reports:
"This is one of those issues where it's safe to say, 'Thanks for writing, I will consider your views,' and not go too far about your personal beliefs," wrote aide Cheryl Long of the Legislative Research Commission to Rep. David Osborne, a Republican from Prospect, Ky. "Seriously, these people really can get out of hand!...This particular group is much worse than pro-lifers!"
"If you reply to Ms. Amanda, make sure you delete my e-mail!" Long said of answering the e-mail from Amanda McWane.
Then Long mistakenly hit "reply" instead of "forward," sending her comments to McWane, and not to Osborne as Long intended.
Worse than pro-lifers? Ouch! That's gotta hurt. I'm sorry to be telling you that your boyfriend thinks you rank right down there with your worst enemy, but I thought you ought to know. Care for a tissue, Miss Fundie? There's more bad news I need to tell you.
It seems that Mike Scanlon, one of those unsavory types associated with Jack Abramoff and that whole sordid affair about a federal investigation into the possible improper acquisition of some $66 million from several Indian tribes that operate gambling casinos, has been saying some mighty unflattering things about you. In a memo outlining the Louisiana political budget he said ... well, maybe I should jsut let the part of the memo that talks about using you speak for itself:
Wackos!?!? The nerve of him! Why, if I were you, Miss Fundie, I'd certainly withhold my favors from anyone who talked that way about me.
And frankly, Miss Fundie, I have to tell you that you're getting a bad reputation by associating with all these low-lives who promise you anything in order to get you to put out and then start bad-mouthing you all around once they've had their way with you. It's not my place to judge, you know, so I won't condemn you if you want to whore yourself out. Just don't be a stupid whore 'cause it's giving streetwalkers a bad name.
Progressives and liberals have recognized for years that the Republican Party's hopping in bed with religious zealots is not really a match made in heaven. Fundies are like the kind of plain girl so dazzled to be dating the captain of the football team that her legs go up in the air while visions of a big church wedding dance in her head. Her Republican suitor, on the other hand, is making plans to move on to his next conquest even as he says, "Yeah, ummmm ... sure I love you, baby. Now raise your hips a bit so I can get your panties off."
Usually a girl who falls for the blandishments of a suave but insincere cad is loathe to let it happen again. But with the fundies, one good line from the Republicans and the clothes start to drop faster than Bush's approval ratings.
Republicans: Abortion should be illegal!
Fundies: Oh! My hero!
Republicans: Taxes are too high!
Fundies: I'm sooooo turned on!
Republicans: Big business deserves tax breaks because they fuel the economy!
Fundies: You're making my nether regions quiver!
Republicans: Marriage should be between a man and a woman!
Fundies: Oh! Take me NOW you magnificent stallion!
The sadly amusing thing is the fundies keep falling for these lines again and again and again. You'd think they'd realize that with a Republican in the White House, a Republican-controled Congress and a Supreme Court that leaning further and further to the right that if the Republicans really wanted to make abortion illegal or take on an amendment banning same-sex marriage, it would have already been done. Granted, the Republicans have already worked on cutting taxes and helping out large corporations, but these were done to impress a couple of the Republicans' other girlfriends - Miss Wealthy and Miss Big Business. If these accomplishments can impress the fundies, too, then so much the better. It keeps the Republicans from really having to deliver on all those pillow-talk promises about gay marriage and abortion.
Of course if Miss Fundie ever gets restless and starts to wonder if there might be other suitors on whom she can lavish her affections, the Republicans can always trot out abortion and gay marriage.
Fundies: I think I have a headache.
Republicans: Oh baby ... just when I was getting ready to appoint a new Supreme Court justice. I think this might take care of that abortion problem. (wink, wink)
Fundies: Kiss me!
Fundies: Do you really love me?
Republicans: Sure thing, doll. Why else would I be introducing the marriage amendment again?
Fundies: Hurry up and get your clothes off!
That fundies fall for these lines again and again and again doesn't say a lot about their collective intelligence. But just in case there is any doubt what the Republicans think of them, the indications are pretty clear Republicans have been dissing them to the other guys in the political locker room lately. So, fundies, take heed and learn what being said when you're out of earshot.
Take, for example, the case of a Crestwood, Ky., accountant who asked her state representative to support gay rights legislation next year received a reply not from the lawmaker but from an aide, who mistakenly sent comments meant for the legislator to the constituent. The Associated Press reports:
"This is one of those issues where it's safe to say, 'Thanks for writing, I will consider your views,' and not go too far about your personal beliefs," wrote aide Cheryl Long of the Legislative Research Commission to Rep. David Osborne, a Republican from Prospect, Ky. "Seriously, these people really can get out of hand!...This particular group is much worse than pro-lifers!"
"If you reply to Ms. Amanda, make sure you delete my e-mail!" Long said of answering the e-mail from Amanda McWane.
Then Long mistakenly hit "reply" instead of "forward," sending her comments to McWane, and not to Osborne as Long intended.
Worse than pro-lifers? Ouch! That's gotta hurt. I'm sorry to be telling you that your boyfriend thinks you rank right down there with your worst enemy, but I thought you ought to know. Care for a tissue, Miss Fundie? There's more bad news I need to tell you.
It seems that Mike Scanlon, one of those unsavory types associated with Jack Abramoff and that whole sordid affair about a federal investigation into the possible improper acquisition of some $66 million from several Indian tribes that operate gambling casinos, has been saying some mighty unflattering things about you. In a memo outlining the Louisiana political budget he said ... well, maybe I should jsut let the part of the memo that talks about using you speak for itself:
We plan to use three forms of communications to mobilize and win these battles. Phones, mail and Christian radio. We believe that if you are on TV you are generally losing battles like this Our mission is to get specifically selected groups of individuals to the polls to speak out AGAINST something.
To that end, your money is best spent finding them and communicating with them on using the modes that they are most likely to respond to. Simply put we want to bring out the wackos to vote against something and make sure the rest of the public lets the whole thing slip past them. The wackos get their information form the Christian right, Christian radio, mail, the internet and telephone trees.
Wackos!?!? The nerve of him! Why, if I were you, Miss Fundie, I'd certainly withhold my favors from anyone who talked that way about me.
And frankly, Miss Fundie, I have to tell you that you're getting a bad reputation by associating with all these low-lives who promise you anything in order to get you to put out and then start bad-mouthing you all around once they've had their way with you. It's not my place to judge, you know, so I won't condemn you if you want to whore yourself out. Just don't be a stupid whore 'cause it's giving streetwalkers a bad name.
posted by Van | 12:59 PM
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